I don’t know about you, butthe perfect comebackusually finds me several hours too late—right when I’m in the shower or desperately trying to fall asleep. By then, of course, the moment is long gone. Some people, however, seem to have a natural gift for saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time, and the rest of us can only watch in awe.
Luckily, oneRedditorasked users to share the wittiest comebacks they’ve ever said or heard, and they came through with plenty. So if you want a fewsharp linesready for later, this might come in handy. Scroll down for the best ones.
We had this terminally stupid person who always rolled their eyes at others opinions. One day someone had enough and blurted out, “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you'll find a brain back there.” Mic drop office moment.
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Context: I'm a gymnastics coach, and sometimes I like to be melodramatic to make my students laugh. Some of them like to match my energy on it.I had the following interaction with a 9-year-old:ME: "Hey, you got a problem?"HER: *looks me up and down, then crosses her arms* "Yeah, I got a problem."ME: "Well I got a problem, and it's 4 feet tall and wearing a pink leotard."HER (without taking so much as one nanosecond to think about it): "Well at least your problem's pretty.".
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Unit secretary at the ER I used to work at was an absolute treasure, one of the funniest people I've known and took no nonsense. One day a surgeon who was a huge jerk was yelling at her over something completely outside her control, she just got up and walked away without saying anything.Dude proceeded to lose it even more, one of the ER docs saw her in the supply room asked where she went. She replied "I was going to find who he was talking to like that, cause I knew it wasn't me.".
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Overly condescending boss looking over my work: "Can I ask a stupid question?"Me, on my last week at that job: "You seem qualified.".
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A man at work said something out of line and when there was absolutely no reaction from the female employee, he laughed and said, “She didn’t even hear me…”She turned back to him and said, “No, I heard you, but you’re not my teenage son. You’re my coworker. It isn’t my job to correct your ignorance, it was your mother’s, and apparently she failed you.”.
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One time this big football dude was crossing a bridge in front of me and some dude squared up to fight him. The football dude calmly said "buddy, think about what youre doing, you are the type of guy i fight on the way to fights" and the dude put his dukes down and retreated. Amazing.
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When I was growing up, my very short grandpa measured my height. I was 5'10" that day. He jokingly said, "I'm closer to 6 feet than you are." My grandma immediately replied, "Yeah, closer to 6 feet under!".
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Alex Kapranos (Frontman for Franz Ferdinand) had someone reply to a tweet of his with "I had to Google you."He replied "I had to Google you too, unfortunately nothing came up.".
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Once I had to call a coworker who had called out sick to ask him a quick question. As the call ended I jokingly said "Ya know, you don't sound very sick."Without skipping a beat he said "Well you don't sound like a doctor."I think about that often.
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When Lady Astor told Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," he famously retorted, "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it".
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I once saw a guy quit a job because the foreman was all over him about not working fast enough: “I only work at one speed, twelve dollars an hour.” And then just walked out.
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In university, while I was in a course, I just put my head down for a bit and closed my eyes. I wasn’t a sleep or anything but a few minutes later prof calls my name and says “stop falling asleep” and I jolt back up.The next class, she asks us “what makes a good quality course”. People were giving answers and I decided the put my hand up. She calls on me and I say “It won’t make you fall asleep”. It took a second but the whole class just erupts laughing. Then she ended up laughing too and says “I deserved that”.
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This kid Tucker in elementary school kept teasing me saying "Hope rhymes with dope".I responded with "oh yeah, what does Tucker rhyme with?"His face got very red and he stormed off crying.
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Worked a security job with my father. A “gentleman” who definitely did not belong in the restricted area wanted to get past our security check point. When we denied him entrance, he got pissed and asked/yelled, “do you know who I am?!?!”Without missing a beat and with an Oscar worthy performance of “concerned bystander”, my father says, “why? Have you forgotten? Would you like me to call an ambulance?”I followed my father’s lead and played it straight faced but I really struggled to hold in my laughter!
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This was back when I was in the Navy and I was hanging out with about 6 guys from my department in our berthing. We were kind of teasing one guy off and on about where he was from. He happened to be Ukrainian and had grown up near Chernobyl before he moved to the US as a teen.Well about 10 mins or so into hanging out we started talking about our preference in women and the convo went as follows:Ukrainian Sailor: I've always preferred my women to be strong.My best friend: and irradiatedUkrainian Sailor: I swear to god if I hear one more Chernobyl joke...Me: You’ll what? Melt down!?!
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We were all playing Mario Kart 8 with the kids the other night and our 11yo tells our 15yo, "I'd tell you to eat my dust but you're so far behind me you'd starve." We had to pause because hubby and I just couldn't stop laughing.
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My boss always kept his desk completely clear of anything. Just screens, keyboard, and mouse. One day he comes over to my desk: “your messy desk could mean a messy mind”Me: “and what does your empty desk mean then?”.
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I was the youngest of 3 girls, and my older sisters teased me relentlessly. When I got my first period, my oldest sister said she was going to put up a sign on the corner that said “opkc got her period this month!” I said “That’s fine, I’ll put up a sign next to it that says Sister didn’t get her period this month.”.
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My friend in a checkout lane at a Trader Joe's when another very bubbly checker opens a lane and calls him over with, "I can help you over here Mr. Man... Sir!"His reply: "Please, MISTER Man Sir is my father.".
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This will get buried, but there was a famous court case in which Wlliam F Buckley was called as an expert witness for a court case. Upon cross-examination, the rival lawyer waved a dictionary in the air, saying "have you ever even read a dictionary, sir!?"To which Buckley replied, accurately, that he had written the foreword to the very dictionary the lawyer was holding.
Journalist: What do you think of Western civilization?Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
At work. The Stones song "Beast of Burden" is playing overhead. My female coworker is singing along with the "pretty pretty girls" part, and she says "Pretty pretty girls...hey did you guys know, this song's about me?"Instantly my buddy Mike: "Which one are you, a beast or a burden?".
Me and my husband had been messing around telling "that's what she said" jokes and our 11 year old came on the room and asked why we were laughing so much. I told her that it was nothing, just an adult joke, and she replied "you're an adult joke", ngl it still hurts 4 years later.
Comedian said to me ( front row) “you’re pretty funny aren’t you mate” I replied “I figured one of us should be”.
I had one that I was proud of 20-some years later.One time at the beach some young women walked by us in bikinis and my wife said "I'll never look like that again". To which I replied "neither will they".
When I was young at a club -1988, I asked a girl if she wanted to dance. She said “I don’t want to dance with you!”I said, “Why are you being so choosy, I’m not.” And I walked away.She followed me back to my table and asked if I would dance with her now.
My oldest son, when he was about 6 years old. I had made some sort of dad joke and followed it up with “I’m embarrassing you, aren’t I?”That witty little guy responded “no, you’re embarrassing yourself”.He’s 14 now and I still haven’t recovered, haha.
One of my dad's friends was a legendary wit and this story was told at his funeral.John was telling a drunken tale at a grownup party that involved him saying something like "...and then we snuck away to..."His wife, for some reason, interrupted his story for a quick grammar correction, "It's not 'snuck', John, it's 'sneaked'.Without missing a beat John said, "Well, I'll be feaked."Everyone cracked up. Not a bad way to be remembered!
On the NYC subway a guy with bad BO pushed through the crowded car holding up a sign saying “Jesus is Coming”. As his smelly underarm passed inches away from a lady’s face she yelled out “Is he bringing SOAP???”.
I pulled up to the local bar after buying a new car and a guy said "must be nice having daddy's money" and I responded "it is, but please stop calling me daddy.".
Was in fifth grade and the class was lining up to head to the cafeteria for lunch. The boy in front of me turned around to face me, stared for a couple seconds, then sneered and asked why I was growing a mustache if I was a girl. I am proud of myself to this day for not missing a beat before asking him why he couldn't grow one if he was a boy.
When I was about to have my first child, one of my buddies made a joke that I look like the type of guy to kiss my kids on the lips.I said "...and you look like the type of guy to kiss my kids on the lips."He recently went no beard, just a mustache, so it landed well.
Overheard a comment in a bar between people I worked with."Well that's the first time I've ever been insulted by a Welshman""Really? You should get out more".
Excuse me for talking while you’re interrupting.
Cycling to school with my friend once aged about 11 or 12 we passed three girls, all about the same age, trying to embarrass another of the girls one shouted to my friend, "she fancies you" to which quick as a flash he replied "I don't blame her".he's a millionaire now.
My husband was in the closet, checking for suspected bugs, he found some very tiny onesHim: "I think they could be mites, but I'm not sure"Me: "So they're maybies, then"He didn't find it as funny as I did.
I'm a bus driver, and one of our drivers has a heavy german accent. One day, a hispanic child missed their stop, but the driver couldn't speak the language. She called dispatch and asked for help, saying the little girl couldn't speak English.The dispatcher replied: "Well, you have that in common.".
My wife was on her moontimes. She bled a lot on the bed. I said "Whoa! That's one big period." She replied instantly "More like an exclamation point.".
A cop pulls over a woman and is giving her a ticket, and she says, "I thought cops didn't give hot women tickets?" His response was. "We don't," and handed her a ticket.
Someone at work “I’m looking for the biggest idiot to cover my shift”.Me: “there’s a mirror in the bathroom if you need help”.
Unfortunately, heard: I wish I could buy what you know and sell what you think you know.
My first name begins with a J, so for this exercise my name is John. I was hiking with my young kids in the woods, and one of them said they couldn't keep their left and right straight at trail junctions without overly thinking about it. "It's simple," I said, stretching my hands out in front of me. "Make an L with your left thumb and index finger, and that L stands for left. Now take your other hand and make a J. Well, J stands for John, and John is always right.".
My stepdad is a jerk, a snide one whose face looks like he’s always sucking on a sour toenail. At the time I was studying radio broadcasting and wanted to be a radio host/DJ. I joked about how at least I’d be getting paid for talking since I do it a lot anyway.He snarkily said “yeah haha I didn’t know how to tell you nicely.”I responded with “don’t be silly, you’d never say it nicely.”Felt pretty good. As a kid he was the type to always point out something that was wrong, never gave positive reinforcement. Especially sucked since I had undiagnosed adhd.
My 11 year old daughter was being sassy with me and I replied jokingly “I will not stand for this!”, and without missing a beat she replied “then sit down”.
Putting the heart monitors on a precocious little boy before surgery, who was bragging about winning his spelling test.Kid: of course I know what that is, that’s a defibrillator!(Very matter of fact, with a super healthy dose of kid snark)Anesthetist: yeah that’s right, can you spell that?Kid, thinks for a second, then says to the anesthetist;“Can You?”To this day, top five favourite patient ever.
I might be drunk but I will be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.
Tennisser Vitas Gerulaitis was defeated by Jimmy Connors 16 consecutive times.After he finally beat Connors he said:"And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row!".
Well, I called my 5 year old nephew a dorito because he was in an orange shirt today. His response was that I looked like a plain bagel because of my skin color... So, I'd say for his age that was pretty good.
I don’t know about you, butthe perfect comebackusually finds me several hours too late—right when I’m in the shower or desperately tryi...
